The Year I Burned It All Down: 2016 In Review

I had plans for this post, I did. I have been slowly crafting it in my head. It was going to be about goals, about big things, about my body and trying to do new things. I knew I was late with a New Year’s Wrap-Up/Resolution post (which I normally love doing: see 2015), and I felt like I had to bring in something good to make up for that.

See, I had set out a semi-private goal for myself in mid-October. After hitting my PR of 280 for a deadlift, I wanted to hit 300 lbs by the end of the year. It would be a few weeks after the Honolulu marathon, and I’d have some time to get back to lifting before making my attempt. I thought that’s what I’d end up writing about.

Yesterday morning, I went for it. A little delayed, sure– I’d jumped back into CrossFit with a vengeance at my fave non-CFO box, CrossFit Kona while I was home for the holidays. This resulted in lots of gains, but also a back pull in the middle of the week. Then, a friend of ours has been helping my boyfriend and I try some new gymnastics stuff, so I wanted to let my core rest before lifting something heavy.

Monday morning, on a whim, I decided to go for my attempt. Was I tired and still monumentally hungover from celebrating 2017? Yes, yes I was. Did I eat before like a smart person? Nope.

But I went for it. I had my whole plan set out. I got up to 235lbs easy. I tacked on 20 more, rested for a moment, then pulled.

I swear, I see a strained muscle before I fully feel it. Suddenly, I see white for a second, then I feel the electricity shoot through my body. It burst right along my lower back, down my right hip and quad. I immediately dropped the weight and sat back, my entire lower body screaming.

And just like that, I knew I was done for the day. I was tempted to try and rest and go again, but I knew that would only make it worse. So, despite my romantic notions about how I was going to start 2017, I slowly started to put my weights back and knew I’d have to give it a go another day.


And, somewhere in there, is the allegory. Or, at least, the metaphor.

Let me explain: I’ve been struggling with what to say about this year because I feel like I’ve grieved it and rebuilt it multiple times already. I did it in March, in May, in August. As a writer, Lord knows I love romantic notions. I have been working towards them since childhood; I have been trying to write the narrative of my life from the beginning.

Then, something happened. I looked at the story I had been writing, this epic ship I had been building to sail off into the sunset. I had put blood, sweat, and tears into it. I had babied it from the beginning.

And then I looked at the life I had built and I burned it all down. 

Let’s be honest, that’s what I did. I did some pretty crazy shit this year, which included the systematic destruction of a life and routine I had been planning for years. I set it aflame and walked away. And I don’t regret any of it. Not for a moment.

The thing is, the whole, clichéd, rebuilding-from-ashes theme is probably a cliché because we all have to go through it sometimes. We can move down the path of our lives and try and course correct along the way, but sometimes it takes a complete destruction to actually forge something much stronger.

I know– you’ve read that somewhere before. I have too, and to be fair, I believed it (hell, it’s kind of what I did when I moved to Hawai‘i).

Here’s the thing I realized this year, though: the process of rebuilding isn’t always romantic. It won’t always fit your timeline. It won’t always happen with fanfare and confetti. Sometimes it’s the quiet acknowledgment that you have to set down your barbell and try again another day.

There’s something strangely beautiful about that, though. What would it mean if I stopped assuming that success was this shiny, noisy thing and accepted the joy already in my life? What would it look like to stop seeing success as some, forever-moving finish line and see the moments of hard work, of coming back to the mat, of thankless and private hours of sweat and tears– what if that was success instead?


 

With that, here are 5 things I’m happy about, despite the burning-it-all-down:

  1. I diversified my writing to include things about running and religion. I still love writing about education and race, though!
  2. I kept running (and got my first first-place!), started CrossFit, started Muay Thai, and started teaching Yoga again (and scored my first consistent gig!)
  3. I was in three back-to-back shows.
  4. I like to think I got offline more, got outside, and spent more time with the people I love face-to-face.
  5. I wrote. A lot. Never as much as I want to– but I put more words to paper this year than I have in a long time.

And, of course, some things for 2017:

  1. Keep writing. Stop procrastinating on the writing I have.
  2. Turn-Off Autopilot. (more on what that means here)
  3. Get a strict pull-up and start Brazillian Jiu-Jitsu.
  4. Rest/Active Recovery 2 days a week. Working out multiple times a day 6 days a week is not a thing I should keep doing.
  5. Get rid of all the clutter/books I don’t read/clothes I don’t wear. Adulting. Let’s do this.

 

Alright, 2017. Let’s do this.

 

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5 Cool Things: 2015 Reflections and 2016 Resolutions

When I started this blog last year, I began it with the intention of forcing myself to write once a week. I had no idea whether it would stick– I had been on tumblr since 2009– and barely considered myself a writer.

A year and a day later, and the world has certainly changed since that post. In my early and mid-twenties, I was big on sweeping, long-form resolutions posts. Unfortunately, I have to get up in four-and-a-half hours to get on a plane, so here’s a quick summary before I forget.


 

Five Cool Things I Did in 2015:

1. I started seeing myself as an actual writer, and so did other people. I obviously didn’t need other people’s validation, but it certainly helped. Getting paid actual money to write for EdWeekTeaching Tolerance and other sites was the first time I felt like writing was more than a hobby and something like an actual part of my career.

2. I created space for myself, including buying this domain name! I was worried at first, but pushing myself to create that space lead to lots of opportunities for me.

3. I continued to love my job. It is so great. It feels like home. It also inspired me to find side-jobs that are not promo-girling and actually benefit who I am and my growth. I pushed my own line of thinking and began to understand my role as an educator.

4. I am still learning to love my body and that’s okay.

5. I HIT THAT SUB-4 MARATHON AND BACK-TO-BACK MARATHONED OHHHH YEAHHHH.

Dance-Dacing-Moves-Oh-yeah-GIF

Yay! Obviously, there are a billion other things: family time, friend time, falling even deeper love with my guy. These are just some of the things.


Six 2016 Resolutions

1. Make more connections, especially with local educators, but also continuing to deepen the ones I’ve found online.

2. Become a better and more diverse writer. I’ve written mostly about education, which I love, but I’m already starting to expand my writing horizons.

3. Make space and time for people I love. I tend to get caught up in the digital world and less so in the real world. Time to try and change that. I obviously love the people I’ve met online, but I don’t want to neglect the human people in my life!

4. Be a better teacher. Always. I’m already thinking about next year, but I still want to finish this school year strong! Time to make sure the things I talk about are more than words and truly part of my practice (I think they are but I think I could get better).

5. Deepen my relationship with Christ. I’m going to write more about this next week, but I’m committing to taking time in 2016 to truly refocus and strengthen my relationship with God. I’m already planning on trying to do an eight-day silent retreat at an Ignatian house this summer. We’ll see how it goes.

6. Run a faster half-marathon, but keep a healthy detachment from running! The past two years I had specific running goals: first to run a marathon again after my break, and then to sub-4. Now that I’ve hit that, it’s time to think a little differently.


I am very excited to move into the new year surrounded with so much love and joy. After a wonderful two weeks with my family, I’m excited to spend tomorrow with friends and my partner. Here’s to a restful, successful and blessed new year.

#2015Goals – New Years Resolutions

I recently tweeted that my #2015Goals include being as fierce as Rosie Perez on SoulTrain.

While this is accurate (I mean, who doesn’t want to live like Rosie?), It’s not exactly what I’m thinking. I normally spend each year going back and back, reflecting on progress from the previous year

Last year, though, the only thing I wanted to do was seek joy. Some big life changes (going back to the classroom, writing more, marathon running again), have helped me really feel like I’m getting there.

So, sure, I have some race goals and teaching goals I want to make, but here’s some actual resolutions I am trying to put on paper:

1) I will be more of an explorer. When I first moved to the island almost three years ago, I didn’t know anyone outside of work, and would sometimes wake up at sunrise, hop in my car, and head to a beach. I marveled at Makapu‘u in the early morning, I grew to love the vistas of driving to the North Shore as the sun came up.

I tried everything when I moved here: body boarding (I was okay but not great), aerial yoga and performance (great, but expensive), MMA (that one kind of stuck!).

Now, three years later, I am much more settled: great job, great apartment across the street, loving boyfriend, amazing friends. Living in Hawai‘i has transitioned from being this fanciful pipe dream to a real life that I’m building.  

I love that, but I also want to make sure I never lose sight of the fact that I am so grateful to live in this beautiful place. I want to make sure I appreciate that more. So: more hikes, more spontaneous beach trips and walks, more island hopping and general willingness to not be a “townie” and head all over this beautiful land I get to call home.

2) I will love big, widen my circle, and deepen what I have. I just wrote about this, but yes.

I want to make sure to keep building and hopefully deepen some of the great connections I already have, like with NoW Hawaii, a group of twenty-something professional women. Still, I know there are all sorts of things to get involved in out here. Maybe a running club? Maybe a Triathlon training group? Who knows! Don’t worry, though. I also want to practice self-care and let me do me when I need to.

3) Laugh often. Seek Joy Always. I like this resolution. I think I will keep it for this year too. 🙂


So… there you have it! I also have some things I really WANT to do:

Teaching Goals

  • Teach the arts again, hopefully this summer! Drama perhaps, but also maybe writing? Who knows.
  • Improve my CFUs and formative assessment. Plan better so that there’s fun ways to make sure my kids and I are on the same page while we read, not just at the end.
  • Plan this summer to have next year’s kids start with a strong social media and web-savvy culture.

Running Goals

  • I JUST WANT A SUB-4 MARATHON OKAY. THAT’S IT. DAMMIT. *shakes angry fist at the sky*
    • (context: I got 4:04:49 at Honolulu this year. I never thought I’d get that close and NOW I WANT IT. I WANT IT SO BAD)
  • I want to get better about tracking my mileage. I stopped doing that and timing myself (I’ll write about why some day) over the past few years. I want to get better at being a smarter runner.
  • Speed work outs and trying to stop being such a conservative racer. Again, more on that another time.

Other life goals

  • Write more! (duh)
  • Maybe act more?!
  • Cook more!

Alright 2015. Let’s do this thing.