Models of Allyship: A Father’s Day Thank You

I wrote recently about trying to de-center myself from spaces of power. However, with recently I’ve done the exact opposite and thought about the men in my life.

I mentioned the other day on Twitter that the most recent episode of Another Round featured Tiq Milan, and commented on the frailty of masculinity. When most men feel that the concept of their masculinity is challenged, it can have frustrating ramifications. Just looking at gendered products shows us that.

This hit home for a lot of men I’ve interacted with. The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized this understanding of men didn’t really fit for one important one: my dad.

I spend Father’s Day reflecting on not just my father, but how my relationship with him affects all my other relationships. The more I thought about it, my dad has actually been an excellent role model of allyship in my life. Beyond being a great dad, he made it a point to be a great male ally to me. He listened hard when I desperately needed him to hear my voice. Growing up, he made it clear that he was not only going to stand up for me when I needed him too, but that he was going to stand beside me when I stood up for myself. He always encouraged me to not stay silent, share my opinions, and just accept my own identity.

My dad’s masculinity was anything but fragile. My dad has always asserted himself as our father, but it wasn’t oppressive. For him, being a father didn’t mean telling us what to do, but rather making sure we had everything we needed to grow into the best versions of ourselves. My father often showed us that true strength was found in being honest and vulnerable. When pride and power never mean hiding who you are, it makes it a lot easier to figure out who you are and love yourself.

I know that my relationship with my father has bled into the relationships I have with men now (well, at least the good ones). At the end of the day, it is easy to demand the best of the men in my life because I know I am complete without them. That’s what my father’s love and allyship did for me: it ensured and validated my own identity as a strong, worthwhile individual. 

Ultimately, I think that’s what good allies need to do. They stand next to you when you struggle, they do their best to listen, they encourage you to share your own voice, they love and value you as you are, to help validate the love you should have for yourself.

So, in a world that often notices the fragility of men or the silence of fathers, I’m grateful to have grown up around someone who always shouted his love and support for me from the rooftops. I’m immensely lucky to have known, always, that I was beloved by the most important man in my life. I have always had such a strong example of a great man, a great ally, and most importantly, a really awesome Dad.

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy. I love you.

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A Summer Letter to My Students

My Wayfarers and My ‘Ohana,

The year has just finished, and I hear you singing outside as you’re wrapping up your year.

Today, I was at my desks, listening to your chatter, and I was struck by this perfect, simple thought:

I finally know what home is.

I don’t know if you’ll remember my class years from now, but I think I’ll remember you. I don’t know if my class will have a lasting impact on your life, but it’ll stick with me for a while. You were my first when I decided to come back to teaching. You showed me what it was to start digging into this work.

So, when I struggle with the concept of home, thank you for letting me learn alongside you. Thank you for helping me see that home has been right here, watching you all grow.

Please keep sharing your voices. Please, keep telling your stories. They are so worthy of being shouted from the rooftops. You are all so marvelous.

With lots of aloha,

Ms. Torres

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 And special edit for yearbook because it ks the best and Maya asked for it. ❤️ 


This Is for The Crazy Ones

When I was about 13, I had all sorts of ridiculous dreams– about being a dancer, or a singer. When I was in high school, I finally told my parents I was going to become an actress.

My parents, like most, wanted to be supportive. They also had struggled for decades to ensure we had a world class education, that we had every opportunity for success, that the things we needed were financially provided for. To hear that those things would be going into acting? Oomph.

My parents urged me to keep doing well in school, to go to college, and at least have “a back up plan.” When I failed my first high school math test, they immediately pulled me out of the production I was in. I threw a fit, I’m sure, but they insisted this is what I needed to do. I thought it meant that they would never support me dream of becoming ~an actress~.

Years later, as I did shows later in high school, my parents showed up to every show. Every time, my mother brought me flowers, took pictures (and sometimes video), showed me how proud she and my Dad were of me. When I was in college, they would drive the hour north to LA for even the small readings I was in. My mother did the same– showed up at every one, brought me flowers, recorded it when she could.

I don’t know how much my parents actually, internally supported the idea of me becoming an actress, but I never once doubted that they loved me, supported me, and wanted me to make the attempt. No matter what, they wanted me to be happy. Even when I left and became a teacher (and I’m sure they breathed a sigh of relief), they made it a point to ensure I knew how proud I make them.

When I think of my mother now, I think of her saying, “try it!” Travel abroad, eat different food, look at another job, maybe date a few different guys after my first break up (should’ve listened to that one–sorry, Mom!). I didn’t try them all, but I knew that my Mom always wanted me to know that my dreams were valid, and my sense of adventure should never be lost. Even when I wanted to try something she laughingly deemed “crazy!” (like run 26.2 miles for fun), she was there at the finish line, telling me how proud she and my Dad were.

Even now, as we all get older, my mom has a sense of internal curiosity and wonderment about the world that I try to see it from too. As we drive around Big Island, my mom is always the one encouraging us to try a hike or eat at that new place or just figure stuff out along the way.

My mother, for all her pragmatic capabilities, is never stagnant. Even if it means some crazy things happen (like discovering that she’s afraid of heights in the middle of Lanikai Pillboxes), she is forever trying new things. My mom is always making new foods, getting into every social media or computer thing she sees– I’m pretty sure that if it still meant she could see us, she’d consider going to Mars if they offered (though, there is her things about heights…).

In a world that told women to settle down, have kids, and stop trying to “have it all,” my mom did those things extremely well then looked around and said, “what’s next?” I have often looked at her path and wondered how she was brave enough to keep going. She moved here from across an ocean at 14. She found the love of her life at 18, and they made it work for ten years before finally making it official. When one path didn’t work out, she became a stellar RN instead, and after doing extremely well by her family, made sure she and my dad followed their dream of moving to an island with an active volcano (that they drive out to watch lava bubble out of wtf). Now here, she doesn’t show any signs of slowing down.

Some might look at this and say, “you’re crazy!” I imagine my mom shrugging her shoulders and saying, “It doesn’t hurt to try.” My mom always makes it abundantly clear that you could never stop trying to have it all, because as long as we were here there are always new things to try.

This mother’s day, and every day, I am always grateful for her. Today, I am honored to embody her spirit of “Try it!” I am privileged in many ways, one of them being that I never doubt that my parents will support and love me unconditionally.

Thanks Mom, for never making me feel crazy or silly for trying new things. Thanks for being, maybe, one of the crazy ones instead.

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Fortune Favors the (Thoughtfully) Bold

Three years (and one week) ago, I embarked on what I thought would be the greatest adventure of my life: I moved to Hawai‘i.

I am a cheesy human who likes celebrating small anniversaries like that, so it’s ironic that, each year, I have been off-island on May 1st (and always for a TFA trip!). I always end up celebrating my move to the island by being forced to leave it.


And maybe that’s a good thing. Sitting here, in my parents’ place in Kona (one of the many changes over the past 3 years), I’ve been rereading my blog from that time in my life. Doing a time-warp is always fun, but I was struck not just by the sense of adventure I had, but also how frenetic I now remembered that time was.

Moving to Hawai‘i was, in fact, the biggest, most adventurous risk I had have ever taken. I don’t have close family here, I didn’t have any close friends out here. I was jumping into a job that dealt with organizing things, laughably my worst skill on earth. I was making ridiculous decisions with little thought to the outcome. Continue reading

On Being and Learning Again

I’ve felt… off-balanced lately. A little lost, a little weary and wary. Occasionally, like most folks, darkness comes in and you cannot help but question why it’s there and who causes it.

And while it’s scary, I’m lucky. I’ve seen the other side of darkness enough to know that “Easter will come,” things will brighten. I have family and friends who love me and make me laugh, a job I cannot help but find joy in, a partner who holds my hand the whole time and says, “I got you. It’s okay. We’ll be okay.”

Last night, and in the past few weeks, I have been struggling with the concept of “Enough.” In the NPO or education world– it often feels like I don’t do enough for the people in my life– my students, family, friends. Sometimes I feel like I’m too scared to take on the big challenges because I have this nagging need to take care of myself and do things that make me happy too.

So, on a whim, I found out that Fr. Greg Boyle, one of my favorite writers, priests, human beings, had been interviewed by On Being, one of my favorite podcasts.

I’ve read and listened to so much of Fr. Boyle, and what he shared wasn’t necessarily new to me, but just hearing it reframed again was so essential– I was immediately snapped back to myself. I know what I need to be doing. I know it will take time to get there. I know I must be eager, yet patient in God’s timeline.

I think, sometimes, we want to glance over reflections or lessons we think we’ve “already learned.” Yesterday, I didn’t want to reflect on body image because I thought, Well, I’ve written about that before, shouldn’t I know better?

We are so quick to forget our own flawed perfection means sometimes the lessons need to be restudied and relearned to gain a new, revolutionary potency in our minds. It doesn’t mean we’re silly, merely that we have the fantastically human ability to form and reform new and better connections with things as we grow.

So, with a renewed heart for the work and what it looks like for me, I’m coming out on the other side.

I highly recommend the linked podcast (I always choose the unedited version), and a few favorite tidbits below:

On perceptions of the communities we serve:

So you see how they love one another or there is nobody in need in this community, for example. But my favorite one is — it leaped off the page to me — and it says, “And awe came upon everyone.” So that the measure of our compassion lies not in our service of those on the margins but in our willingness to see ourselves in kinship. And so that means the decided movement towards awe and giant steps away from judgment.

So how can we seek really a compassion that can stand in awe at what people have to carry rather than stand in judgment at how they carry it?

On doing the work:

Question: …what more can I do other than shrugging my shoulders and writing a check?

Fr. Boyle:  Well, don’t stop writing the checks!… but we must obliterate the illusion that we’re separate…How do we dismantle the barriers that exclude? How de we dedicate ourselves, in our own way… how do you participate in the birth of a new inclusion, where nobody is left out?

And that takes humility! …Humility asks the poor on the margins, “What do you need? How can I help?” 

Hubris says: “here’s what your problem is and here’s how you fix yourself.”

On mutuality in “service”:

I’m not the great healer and that gang member over there is in need of my exquisite healing. The truth is, it’s mutual and that, as much as we are called to bridge the distance that exists between us, we have to acknowledge that there’s a distance even in service. A service provider, you’re the service recipient and you want to bridge even that so that you can get to this place of utter mutuality. And I think that’s where the place of delight is, that I’ve learned everything of value really in the last 25 years from precisely the people who you think are on the receiving end of my gifts and talent and wisdom, but quite the opposite. It’s mutual.

On the work as Christ did it: 

I haven’t found anything that’s brought me more life or joy than standing with Jesus, but also with the particularity of standing in the lowly place, with the easily despised and the readily left out, and with the demonized so that the demonizing will stop, and with the disposable so that the day will come when we stop throwing people away.

Stories and Rain

A light Mānoa rain flicks
down so lightly you can’t even
really see the drops. Just cold,
tingling moments— like stars
in the milliseconds after they explode.

Painless, perfect, they
are the seconds after the splash
of your most perfect canonball.
They are the nerves on your lips
after your first kiss comes up for air.

Here, I walk at the foot of a valley,
a long trench flowing into the urban
mouth of movement. I go, I run
I hustle I work I live and then
a light Mānoa rain falls. I pause.

I used to be terrified of things I could
not see. Ghosts, demons, beasties
were waiting, their cold, wet fingers
creeping around corners, under beds,
just outside my window.

Now, tucked into the corner of
two colliding worlds, the future
creeps its fingers up the soft cheek of
an evergreen face. A white blanket rolls
down to cover them both. They rest now.

I look up and see them. Pinpricks cover
my face. The stars, the nerves, the splash
the kiss— their magic unquantifiable and
too quick, too grazing to even be registered.
They are only even real if you take notice.

And I hold out my hand and tiny pools of
rain collect, in the creases like magic.
The terror and the wonder of the unseen
are equally real and not mutually exclusive. They
are merely waiting to be seen in the stories we tell ourselves.

The Simplicity of Country (and an Update)

Oomph! I’m getting to this post about an hour late. Major bummer. I’m hoping to write more this week– I have some posts I have in mind, but I want to keep this short and sweet since I have much work to do.

I am currently listening to this: 

Fun, possibly unknown fact about me: I have a secret love for Bluegrass, Americana, Folk, and Country music. I had a bff from the corps from Dallas who loved country (hey Stu, if you read this). I also briefly dated a jazz saxophonist from Tennessee. While the relationship lasted barely a month and the residual feelings and heart-broken poetry for a year or so after that, the affinity for all things from the Appalachian mountains remains strong.

I was listening to this song while running home today, and realized how beautiful the simplicity of this song is. Unlike the (often pretentious) indie music that populated much of my college days, there is an element of narrative that I really love in this music. It’s not asking you to parse through three layers of metaphor to understand it, it merely says: here is my heart, here is how it feels, here are those feelings to music.

Now, as an English teacher (and former English major), I love metaphor. I love parsing through layers of metaphor. Sometimes, though, I think it’s good to push as a writer for some emotional honesty. It might be “on the nose,” yes, but sometimes that truth is the most beautiful thing you can give.


On the teaching front, today was my first day back in the classroom after break, and I think it went well! My 7th graders are going to be reading Ominvore’s Dilemma, and so we started talking about food deserts. I have a lot of resources to use, so that should work. Clint Smith, a teacher, fellow TFA alumnus, and of course poet whose work I love, has a great poem on food deserts, so we’ll be watching that tomorrow.

My 9th graders are going to be reading The Count of Monte Cristo, and I found a great teaching resource to set it up as a mock trial. The kids seemed SUPER hyped, and when I @mentioned the teacher on twitter, she offered her help! Yay!

Over the weekend, my amazing guy and I decided to adventure to commemorate my last day of break. He is the bee’s knees and that’s all I have to say about him.

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Anyway, that’s what I got right now. Posts I am thinking about:

  • Why I Stopped Timing My Runs
  • On Spartan Bodies and Fitness
  • Running Through Pain and Letting Go of Fear